My name is Ashley Howard, and before experiencing two miscarriages, I had a completely healthy pregnancy and birthed a healthy baby. When I got pregnant in 2020, the thought of miscarriage never crossed my mind. I was over the moon excited that I got pregnant 3 months after coming off of birth control. I had a healthy little boy, Cooper, in September 2021. I’ve always known I wanted to have kids close together, so when Cooper was six months old we decided to start trying again.
I was lucky and got pregnant the first try. I had my positive tests in March 2022 and due to having a healthy pregnancy the first time, I didn’t have any extra tests or ultrasounds. What stood out to me at the beginning of this pregnancy is that I didn’t have any symptoms. None. And yet I didn’t think anything of it as I had no bleeding or cramping. But nonetheless, we were so excited and told our family before the ultrasound.
Fast forward to June 2022, I went in for my 12-week ultrasound. During this ultrasound they let me see the screen, and as soon as she put the probe on my stomach, I knew. There was nothing in the sac. And I distinctively remember what Cooper’s 12-week ultrasound looked like. The tech left the room so we could see the doctor next, and I walked over to my husband and immediately started crying. He was confused as to why I was crying and said to wait and see what the doctor said. Sitting in the waiting room felt like an eternity. I had no baby, but why? When we met with the doctor, he said it was a missed miscarriage and was uncertain as to why I never had any bleeding. But I would need a d&c surgery to ensure everything was out of my body. I was devastated. We left the clinic very tearful, we received texts and phone calls of sympathy but no one really understood. How could they?
My surgery a few days later went well, and tissue was sent off to pathology. The weeks after surgery were a blur, I was numb. I was stuck and didn’t know how to move on. One of my good friends told me she was pregnant two weeks after I had my surgery. That stung. Although she felt awful and sad for telling me, it didn’t take away from the tears I cried in the car after I left. And then I got a call that made everything a hundred times more painful.
My OB called me and informed me that the pathology came back and this pregnancy was being diagnosed as a partial molar pregnancy. My first thought was, what the hell is that? If you do a quick Google about this, it is described as ‘the embryo has 69 chromosomes instead of 46, resulting in an extra copy of the father’s genes.’ And apparently it’s very rare. Basically, the embryo either develops incompletely or doesn’t develop at all. My doctor informed me I would need weekly blood draws to make sure there were no remnants of this tissue in my body, because if tissue were to continue to grow abnormally in my uterus, it could grow in as a cancer and could mean chemotherapy. And… I was told I had to wait 6 months AFTER negative numbers to try to conceive again.
I had blood draws for weeks, and while my numbers continued to drop, it wasn’t fast enough and eventually they plateaued. I was referred to an oncologist in Sioux Falls, SD. The day prior to my appointment with this oncologist, my HCG levels were fairly low so I was hopeful I wouldn’t need chemo. She too was confident that with a second d&c surgery my numbers would hit negative. No chemotherapy was a humongous relief.
I had a second d&c surgery and a few more follow-up blood draws and my HCG levels finally hit negative. I was supposed to wait 6 months before trying to conceive again but I felt confident with the research I did and the people I talked to with this exact disease, that I could try again with success.
We tried again, even though I had not begun a regular period cycle yet. I received a positive pregnancy test in September 2022 and I was SO excited. My OB suggested we monitor right away to ensure it wasn’t retained tissue from the last surgery. My HCG levels increased nicely, enough for my doctor to request an ultrasound next. I had an ultrasound at five weeks pregnant, during that ultrasound, there was nothing in the gestational sac. I tried not to worry as it was maybe just too early. My doctor requested I have a repeat ultrasound at 6 weeks. I came in at 6 weeks knowing they should be seeing a yolk sac and fetal pole at the least, often times a heartbeat. But there was nothing. My doctor suggested we monitor blood levels again. But those appeared to not be increasing as they should for how far I was. I was having another miscarriage.
Two miscarriages and one unbelievable diagnosis within six months. Heartbroken, devastated, lost, sad, angry… It’s not something you forget. People will tell you it’s okay, and things will get better, but often, those people never check in on you again. No matter how long it’s been, check on those who have lost a child. Time passes but I can promise they are still struggling. Miscarriage affects your lifestyle, your peace, your relationships, and how you see yourself.
I love you, my two heavenly babies.
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