Hi there, Connie here & this is our rollercoaster ride...
This is a grief, that as you know is undescribable, lingering & numbing... A pain I never knew or understood nor thought we would endure...
A little back story - I started birth control when I was in Jr high to help with my menstrual cycle & cramps (they were so bad my mom was concerned). I started on the pill, went to the patch, then the shot & finally the IUD. It wasn't until my 20s other older women would tell me how "dangerous" that was for me & my body & yes got me concerned but I put ALL of my faith in God.
I met my amazing husband in 2018 - wed in 2019 & we both decided we wanted to travel & live the life we could before starting a family. In July 2022 we decided it was time for those little rascals so I made an appt to remove my IUD, I voiced my concerns to the Dr & she assured me everything would be fine, that quite frankly I would be fertile almost immediately. (Let the fun begin 😉 lol)
Fast forward to Oct 21st morning where woo buddy my boobs were TENDER! My husband was in the bathroom so I grabbed a test & went into the other - almost immediately TWO blue lines! TWO wonderful lines of bliss & hope. My eyes started to water, my hands began to shake. I always wanted to do a cute announcement but I couldn't keep this a secret from my best friend so I hurried to get a sharpie & wrote "hi dad!" On the test & laid it Infront of his sink for when he came out. Once he did - oh man the look on his face! That smile! The joy in his eyes! 🥹 - I took more test over the next couple of days to confirm.
Oct 29th - Nov 3rd I had spotting. That first time, that first day - I was a WRECK! my mind was when you're pregnant there is NO bleeding. But I remembered friends who bled or spotted & had a full term pregnancy, I also looked it up & it showed it was common, so I tried to reassure myself everything was fine. Our baby was fine. I needed to stay calm bc stress isn't good for the baby. During that week I did email my OB office & they made it seem everything was fine since it wasn't dark, but had it worsen to call immediately.
Nov 15 - our first appt, the day we get to see our sprout (that's what we called our now angel). Only I could tell something was wrong when the Dr said "hmmm" then "I'm not seeing a baby".. where immediately I question "what do you mean you don't see a baby?! I know I'm pregnant!" She didn't deny I was but kept asking was I sure on my last cycle where now I'm getting frustrated. All I want are answers & to see my baby! She sits down & tries to explain it looks like an inviable pregnancy 💔
I questioned what she meant but all I could hear was Charlie Brown "murr murr murr murr". I was numb! I couldn't help but start to cry & continuously ask "what does that mean" "what about our baby" - she wanted to send us off for an emergency U.S at the hospital next door but that section had closed for the day so we had to go back the next day. That was the worst sleep of my life - if I got any.. we go to our appt the next morning & that nurse was THOROUGH! Which was so appreciative. My husband & I saw what we thought was a glimpse of hope - our sprout! (Unfortunately that nurse couldn't tell us anything). We go to lunch & walk the mall to distract us until we got the phone call from the OB - anytime my phone rang I jumped & fumbled for it (dang telemarketers 🙄).. Confirmed! I AM pregnant, there IS a baby, I was simply early - WHEW! but the coast wasn't clear.. they wanted me to come in for more blood work the next day since your HCG levels are to increase every 48hrs - well mine went down just a little. The Dr didn't seem TOO worried & asked me to come in Monday to see what happens over the weekend. I looked up anything & everything I could to possibly help w those levels & to keep/protect our baby. Monday morning comes & goes - I went ahead & made an appt for the next week bc that's what the Dr wanted (what would have been my 8weeks). Before leaving I asked the nurses for my pictures from the other U.S, they couldn't find them & I couldn't help but start to cry again "I saw my baby & I just want my baby, please let me have my baby!" They told me I could get them from the hospital.
Tuesday was a whirlwind while I waited for the OB to call me about my results - I called 3x, messaged the nurse 5x - 3PM my phone rings & the news was NOT what we were wanting. My levels had dropped tremendously.. I finished what I could of my work day & ball my eyes out all the way home (I remember a guy next to me at a light making sure I was ok & if he needed to follow me to make sure I got where I was going-i thanked him & said no). My husband gets home & I ask him to hold me where I just screamed, questioned everything & cried. I was angry, hurt, sad, disappointed - ALL the feelings! That week/weekend we discussed our options (at home miscarriage or DNC) which we chose DNC, but strangely in my mind felt like an abortion... I wanted this baby SO badly! 😭
I bumped my appt up the following week (Nov 29) to see my OB - where she did one last vaginal U.S & confirmed the embryo was no longer there & my sac was deformed.. (part of me had some hope we would see & hear our baby..) we confirmed our choice & made an appt.
Nov 30th - we went for surgery. My husband was such a good sport but nervous for me. I remember waking up, looking around the room & asking where my baby was. The nurse patted my shoulder & said "it's okay Hun, you just need to rest". I said "no I want to see my baby! Please God I just want my baby!". She brushed my hair back & said she would let the Dr know I was ready for my husband. I remember whispering while wiping my tears "I just want my baby!..."
That day my life changed, a grief I never knew... More so I see ALL the babies or the pregnant women. There are still days & moments that it hits me but I know over time it'll get easier & I'm so thankful to have the husband I do by my side.
I'm not going to lie I am nervous for/about the next pregnancy but again, I will have to put my faith in God & HIS timing. Through this unfortunate experience/journey I have met some strong women whom I never knew went through the same loss as we did.
1/4 is what statistics show - what it doesn't show nor can describe is the pain we bear when losing our angels. 💔👼🤍
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