Hi there my name is Gina Guatteri and this is my story. My husband and I have been trying since August 2022. Each month that went by a negative pregnancy test that says “not pregnant” was starting to get frustrating and discouraging but we continued to keep on trying.
December 3rd, 2022 is a date I will never forget and will always remember. We woke up that morning and my husband said did you take a pregnancy test yet? I said no not yet I have to run to the store to go buy some. He ended up leaving and went to an urgent care because he thought he was having kidney stones I left to go to target to grab some tests. I couldn’t wait for him I needed to pee and had the tests handy. I take a test and I cover the test up with the instructions manual as I’m reading it my timer went off at the 3 minute mark. Mind you I was not expecting I was going to be pregnant at all. I look down and saw two positive lines I immediately started crying! Tears of joy of course I just couldn’t even believe my eyes!! I didn’t believe it so I took another one with the words that said pregnant just to confirm! My husband wasn’t home yet and I kept pacing through the entire house. We have two pomsky dogs so I had to share my secret with them as I knew they wouldn’t tell a single soul! They were thrilled and excited of course and I actually knew that morning something was off with them they were extra clingy to me and now looking back I think they already knew. My husband comes home and he’s taking forever in the garage so I text him to tell him that I can’t take a test until Sunday morning with my first morning urine. I knew he would believe that so he eventually comes in and said he’s watching football all day and I said well I actually have an early Christmas gift for you that you can use today for football (I had to throw him off a bit!) I didn’t have time to run back out to the store to find a cute baby gift so I found a Christmas box and stuffed it with some tissue paper put the tests and wrote Hi daddy I can’t wait to meet you! He cried, we both cried and we just couldn’t believe the news we are finally going to be parents! Our entire life changed that day. I started downloading all the baby apps we both started to do some research to prepare for the months ahead. We both agreed we planned on telling both our families on Christmas as a gift to them! So I immediately went on Etsy ordered some announcement gifts we were going to give out and everything just seemed to be going so perfect and I just couldn’t believe it. For a few weeks I started with very minor pregnancy symptoms slight nausea, breast tenderness, slight pelvic cramping comes and goes, slight moodiness and fatigue but other than that I felt fine. I had to switch to a new OBgyne so they wouldn’t see me until I was 10 weeks and had my date set for 1/13/23 for new visit and an ultrasound to see the baby and hear the heart beat. We were pumped! Sunday December 18th I woke up that morning with a slight headache, cramping and just felt blah. I went to the bathroom and instantly saw I had brown discharge and my heart sank I just knew. I’ve been a Registered Medical Assistant for 8 years and worked in OBgyne for a few years as well so I have background in that specialty with what’s normal and what’s not. I continued to wipe and then saw light pink blood. I told my husband immediately I started to panic because my gut was telling me this isn’t good. He did some research and said it was normal to spot and have some bleeding which is true and I did know that. So I told myself I’m not going to stress I’m going to try and relax put myself on bed rest and just continued to monitor it. All day the light pink blood started to get darker and a bit heavier and ended up just looking like a period so I mentally knew what was going on. I told myself if I’m still bleeding come Monday morning I’m just going to the ER. Monday morning comes around still bleeding and off we went to the ER. They were busy and didn’t have a room for me so we waited for awhile in the lobby they called me back to draw blood then back to wait again. Then they called me back for my ultrasound as I get back from that I see I have a result for my blood work in my app. I immediatrly looked and saw my HCG level was only at 24.5 at 6 weeks I knew my numbers should of doubled in the thousands by then. I told my husband I am definitely having a miscarriage and I knew my results before the providers or staff could even tell me. Which is so unfair. My heart was instantly broken I couldn’t believe it just days before we were to have the perfect Christmas with our families and to announce everything to them, to celebrate this new life it just got taken away from us so fast. Life is just not fair. I will never understand. As I’m just waiting in the lobby I started to think did I do something to cause this? Maybe if I didn’t drag the ottoman across the room the other day, or maybe I shouldn’t of carried my dog to his vet appointment across the parking lot little things like that just kept running through my mind. Also I started to think the week before this even happened on a Tuesday a co worker asked me how I felt and I said actually I feel great no symptoms today, nothing! As she left I said to myself I almost feel like I’m not pregnant anymore? I had this weird gut feeling. That entire day when I went to the bathroom I kept checking to make sure I wasn’t bleeding. I had to convince myself ok I’m not bleeding I’m ok the baby is ok idk why at this moment in time I don’t feel pregnant anymore but I’m fine. Looking back at it now I think it was my body and god trying to tell me what the days ahead was going to look like for us. We eventually get a room in the ER. The ER dr comes in to talk to us he actually kind of scared us for a split second. He said they saw something concerning on my ultrasound that I have a cyst on my left ovary and also looks like an ectopic pregnancy. Which he then said how dangerous that could be for me if it is an ectopic and it ruptures that I could take a pill to pass everything or have surgery. But he explains thats not his specialty and he’s going to page the OB dr to speak to us. We meet her she was fantastic she actually didn’t think I was having an ectopic because of how low my HCG numbers were and that I was fine to get discharged and be at home. She wanted me to repeat my blood work on Friday to confirm my numbers were decreasing. Which I ended up doing and it dropped to 2.1 so I was able to pass it myself. We had to get through the holidays putting on a fake smile pretending everything was alright. I didn’t get to officially start the grieving process until after the holidays passed as we were so busy with family, work and just life in general. I’m still sad as it hits me in waves where one day I’m okay but the next I start thinking or I see something or a certain date comes to mind it just hits me and it really sucks. I didn’t realize how common having a miscarriage actually is. The OB dr did confirm it’s nothing that I did to cause this at all, it just happens unfortunately. I can’t help but to think we now have an Angel baby in heaven looking over us and that I won’t ever get to hold that baby in August like I had imagined since we found out I was pregnant and when I was going to be due. I can’t help but to think if I do end up becoming pregnant again in the next few months that I will always be anxious and have PTSD over this and I won’t fully breathe until that baby is born. I feel like I got robbed out on experiencing the pregnancy journey and being happy and excited and I just don’t know if I can do that if I do become pregnant again. I will always be a nervous wreck. If I can help out anyone by just sharing my story just know you are not alone in this journey. Your feelings are absolutely valid and it’s ok sometimes to not be ok! If you want to cry, cry. If you want to be sad, be sad. The feelings you have can be a rollercoaster ride, and that is okay especially during the grieving process.
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