Hi my name is Hannah Southall! I have given birth to 3 children (Wyatt 10, Clay 8, Charlotte 2) all fairly healthy pregnancies (except for high blood pressure at the end) It was October 27th 2022 I found out I was pregnant we were so excited! I started having some pregnancy symptoms a couple weeks later, went to the dr for the first time November 29th I found out I was due around July 5th and saw the heartbeat looked great! My dr wanted me to have a ultrasound anytime before my next visit, me being inpatient I waited a week and went December 7th 2022. I went by myself I told my husband it was fine for him to stay home and get our boys off the bus after all it was just a “routine ultrasound” so I would be fine. I was so naive. I went in there so happy totally thinking everything was great. I didn’t even think anything of it when the ultrasound tech said “I’m not seeing what I need to I’m going to do a vaginal one”. Me still in my bliss about to see my 10 week old baby! Then she started and kept the screen turned completely the entire time so I couldn’t see and she has this look on her face and I could just tell something was up- the room was so quiet. She then stops and says I need you to wait in the waiting room I’m going to call your dr. My heart sank, I started crying “why what’s wrong”. She then tells me she can’t find a heartbeat and my baby is measuring at 9 weeks not 10. I was so lost I remember barely making it out to the waiting area she gives me the phone, my dr explains she needs to see me in the office tomorrow and discuss how we want to handle things as I’m having what the call a missed miscarriage basically means no symptoms of a miscarriage. I call my husband- so distraught the drive home was 45 minutes and it felt like 3 hrs. I will never forget that feeling even though I wasn’t, I felt completely alone, sad, scared, mad and angry all at the same time. My husband and I went to my dr office the next afternoon and they tell me since I’m having no signs of a miscarriage, I can wait…..which could be weeks, take a pill to start the process of passing the baby or a d&c they encouraged us to take the weekend and decide, we figured it would be better for me to just go through with the d&c, I’m still glad I did it because my husband works nights and had to go back to work the night of the surgery so I was home alone with three kids (thank goodness for my boys they helped so much) but I can’t imagine passing the baby at home with them in the next room. I had it done December 15, 2022 it was pretty routine surgery, out patient i was put to sleep, I did lose it emotionally going into the OR room, I remember crying, the nurse started crying to when I told her this feels like I’m having an abortion (except my baby’s heart wasn’t beating) it just felt so wrong and messed up I wanted my baby so bad. It’s been 3 weeks since my surgery and while it feels like it just happened it feels like the world is still going everyone is living their daily lives (because honestly what else is supposed to happen) and I’m stuck. I’m stuck on December 7th when I got the worst news ever. I still cry- I don’t think it will ever go away completely. I will always love that sweet baby that we wanted so much I will never act like my baby didn’t exist! My youngest and this baby were going to be exactly 3 years apart we were all so excited. My baby mattered. I’m sharing my story to tell you, you’re not alone even though it feels like it. You matter, your baby matters. It’s not living in the past to talk about your baby. I know everyone grieves differently but for me talking about it helps so much I’m not a quiet person I have to get it out. I have changed so much since having a miscarriage I am now trying to work on myself as a person. I will never forget you my sweet angel baby so lucky to have carried you for 11 weeks! Thank you for reading my story I hope it wasn’t to much rambling! Welcome to follow me on Instagram it’s hannahsouthall92.
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